The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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