he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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