omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
