I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
