i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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