someone get that fucking seahorse.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
