this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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