Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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