I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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