I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
