Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you would pick up someone in the library
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
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