i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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