someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
