Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
