when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize