Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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