my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
