You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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