I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
