I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
