just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
