That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
