his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
