Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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