here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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