I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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