Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Randomize
