oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
