I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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