Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize