he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
