You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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