I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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