I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
