Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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