So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
