You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
