I just saw a hot homeless man
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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