I faked an abortion last night.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I see more hoeing in ur future
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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