EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
