My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
