Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
