i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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