you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
