i was born a porn star she said
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
