He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize