Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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