If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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