so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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