I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
