After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
