I'm so fucking centered right now
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
