i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
