I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
