when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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