How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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