Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
