If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize