I wish I could teleport
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
