did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize