you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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