we have pet lesbian snakes
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize