Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
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