she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
