The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
